Can't Let Go
by plethora of colours
Summary: It's nearly been a year since Augustus Waters was taken from the world and Hazel Grace is struggling to cope, barely holding on and waiting for her own, devoid days to end. Unbeknownst to her, her love is by her side, offering comfort he knows she can never hear, weeping for her as he roams that capital S Somewhere. Can there be hope for them in a broken world - hope to find peace?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hi, I'm new here and this is my first story :) I hope to find the time to update frequently so stay tuned, and please review if you can – it would really mean a lot to me :) Hope you enjoy Chapter One. **

**Love, **

**~plethora of colours**

Chapter One

They say time heals all wounds, but really, that's a load of crap. It's just what people tell themselves to try to ignore the fact that loss is permanent, that it follows you everywhere. Everything in your life reminds you of it. Sure, time can dull the pain somewhat. But even that only happens sometimes. Too often, like in my case, it will keep feeling immediate no matter how long it's been there – three days, a month, a year. There are really only two things you can do. You can spend your days in denial until the loss inevitably hits you again with tripled force, trying to control or bury grief, but only delaying the inevitable. Or, you can try every day to confront it, stomach it. Episodes of unbearable pain or an existence as an empty being with the daily, draining grief made bearable only because it is spread out. I'd been living a combination of both, and, needless to say, they both freaking suck.

I can't tell them apart anymore. Either way it's an endless pit, impossibly deep, with no escape, no matter what you do. In fact, part of you even subscribes willingly to its torture. Because of a terrible paradox: The memories of the good times, your only relief, lie where it hurts the most - at the bottom of the pit. And in a desperate attempt to hold onto their sweetness, you pay the price.

A knock on the door interrupted my aimless eternity of Staring Into Space. My mother walked in, carefully, tentatively. She stood silently as I propped myself up on the bed by the elbows, then blurted out hastily, as though she was afraid of my reaction:

'Hazel, I've been asked to take over a Social Psychology class for families at college on Tuesday evenings, and really I wouldn't even consider it, I really wouldn't, it's just that it's mandatory for...' – she nearly whispered the next two words, looking down at her shoes in what I identified as shame – '…social work, and they wouldn't make an excuse when I told them it really wouldn't do, and-'

'Mom. Mom! Stop right now. Are you kidding? This is wonderful! It's amazing news – don't even think about saying no. Don't you dare. You're going to love it! I am so happy for you, you have no idea.'

And I was. As I embraced her, I felt a wide smile spread across my lips for the first time in an age. So different from the fake one I had to force almost every day now as a display of 'being okay' for my expectant surroundings while of course I never was. Real, for once.

Ever since I'd found out my mother had been living her life, not just spending it on me and my cancer, I had been so relieved. And now she had this opportunity and could finally follow her dream even further. It was one of the few things in my hideous life that was exactly the way I wanted it to be, the way it should be when I finally and inevitably leave.

Yet here she was, acting like a child admitting to a petty crime - maybe stealing a chocolate from the box or staying up secretly at bedtime - dreading rage or punishment or scorn. And walking on eggshells, thinking I wouldn't ever forgive her. I hoped so hard that she'd finally realise, for good, that she didn't have to explain herself, let alone feel the guilt I knew had crept back after I'd given her my blessing so much earlier. On the day of…_No_. I pushed the vivid, insistent images out of my mind. Not now. Not in this one happy moment, goddamn it. Just give me this one happy moment.

My mother tried to protest, but could no longer conceal her excitement. I'd given her the permission she depended on and treated like a sacred law, no matter how much I tried to persuade her not to, and the gratitude was written on her face. I ushered her out to share the news with Dad before she could start doubting and double-checking again, but not before asking her to hook me up to the BiPAP. It was hardly past dinner, but as usual I was already starting to feel exhausted. As the machine took control of my breathing I focused on its steady beat and braced myself for another restless night devoid of sleep. Except, it wasn't.

I stood in a sunny clearing beneath an impeccably blue, cloudless sky. The meadow's tall grass, glistening with raindrops, covered my knees, and small flowers bursting with colour tickled my bare toes. Birds were perched in nearby trees, chirping to each other in their hidden, unknown tongue.

I caught sight of a figure a few metres ahead. A boy, lean and muscular, with his weight leaned to one side, the sunlight exposing bronze streaks in his rich, blonde hair. The figure turned to face me.

Augustus Waters stood before me wearing a delicious crooked smile, his eyes – _those_ eyes – sparkling with delight.

For a moment all I could do was stare in disbelief, dazed and frozen to the spot, wondering if this was real as the tears began to blur the world. I tried to blink them away but the flow would not be quelled, and a sound halfway between a sob and a sigh of pure bliss escaped my lips. I broke into a run, lurching myself towards him as fast as my crap lungs would allow, dragging Philip behind me. I ignored the instant, relentless stinging in my chest.

Augustus was _alive_. My _love_ was alive. And he was here, with me. My half-dead heart welled up with affection and a joy so strong it felt too potent for this plane, bringing me to life.

_We'd be together again. _

And then, just as I had almost closed the gap between us, Augustus suddenly collapsed, falling to his knees. A groan rippled through him and filled the clearing as he convulsed in agony. One hand on his chest, the other digging into the earth, he began to scream. His skin had turned ghastly pale, bones protruding, his eyes robbed of their smile as the pain consumed him.

'Hazel Grace…' he croaked, his eyes searching in the distance.

'Gus! Gus!' I nearly choked on the word. My legs were so weak from both running and seeing him fall that I could barely stand. My vision was going dark at the edges. I staggered forward, sobbing and gasping for air, calling to him desperately. His eyes found mine but didn't, continuing to dart around the clearing frantically, searching for me without focus. He was no longer aware I was there.

Gus began to crawl forward, away from me, still carrying the terrible pain. I screamed for him but to no avail. He was still croaking my name, his eyes now fixated on something in the distance. 'No, no, I'm here, here, Gus, please…,' I got out.

But he was gone.

I fought and fought against my own restraints, willing my legs to keep up and conquer the endless ache, forcing them forward, just one more step, one more step. But still I couldn't reach him. The long grass began to wrap around my legs, trapping me. My lungs heaved as I thrashed wildly; it was as if sadistic snakes were constricting my airways. The birds' song turned into a horrid screech that joined Gus's cries to become a sickening orchestra.

Just then, Gus turned back and found me, his eyes piercing mine, seeing them again. Relief surged through me and allowed me to forget, for a second, the terror of the scene: _I hadn't lost him. _

But then he cried, in a voice full of dismay and hurt: 'Why, Hazel Grace?'

He turned away again, shaking his head, a single tear rolling down his contorted face before a black abyss descended and engulfed him, taking him forever.

I woke up drenched in sweat, the BiPAP nearly giving out under me, to blood-curling wails I then realized were my own piteous sobs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Hey there and welcome back to this story. Thank you for following and reviewing, I really appreciate it and I'm glad you are liking it so far! To Desss4ever: Thanks for waiting patiently (it might take longer from now on because I also have to study for some exams) and I love the mother daughter relationship ****:)**

** I know the last chapter destroyed a lot of feels, but don't worry – it's not over yet. We pick up right where we left off, with Hazel waking up from her night of horror. Mr. and Mrs. Lancaster have joined their daughter. And Augustus Waters is with them. **

Chapter Two

Augustus' POV

My Hazel Grace. I watched helplessly as the sobs racked her lithe little frame, leaving her spent and broken on the bed. Her jagged gasps were a dense fog on the BiPAP snout, disorienting her. Her parents sat on the edge of the bed, holding her trembling fingers, on the verge of tears as she began to tell them of her nightmare. I knew from that alone how bad it must have been: selfless as she was, she usually shielded them from her woes. I listened in shock.

I edged carefully past Mrs Lancaster and cradled Hazel Grace's face in my hands, wishing I could take the pain. Nothing, of course. But I couldn't help hoping every time that I might be able to feel her. What I wouldn't give to have that back.

I wondered if I could speak to her through dreams. If she could hear me, then. The notion seemed silly, but what did I have to lose? Besides, I was in capital S Somewhere. Anything and everything could fall in or out of existence at any given point in the vortex of time. The notion of silly had long since been invalidated. So I had to try, somehow. She'd never needed me more than at this moment, and I ached for her every second – it had to work. It had to.

I glanced over at the clock – 2:36 a.m. Hazel Grace was still reeling but the fatigue was beginning to overcome her once more. After her parents left I kissed her forehead softly and waited as she fell into a second, troubled sleep, willing myself into her head.

Hazel Grace stood across from me in an empty street. It was dark, but tall orange street lamps cast their light on us. She looked up from the the bare grey pavement, then stared at a traffic light ahead. She didn't seem to notice me at first.

'Hazel Grace', I said and she heard. _She heard_.

'Augustus.' Her eyes bored into mine as she wept. 'Oh my God. Oh my God, Augustus. I abandoned you. I never realized. You were slipping away and I let you and I did nothing. I can never-'

I cut her off, silently thanking the unseen mechanics of Somewhere as I ran forward and wrapped my arms around her, letting myself believe she could feel my touch. I began desperately. 'Hazel Grace, listen to me. Listen to me now. I don't know what that was, in your dream. And I am so sorry you had to go through it. But Hazel Grace: Whatever that was, it was false. It was not me, not us, not real. Listen to me. Please. Look at me. I am real.'

It may not have been real, but I knew exactly why she had dreamt it. I was so ashamed. And after nearly a year of speaking into emptiness, she could finally hear.

'Hazel Grace, my deepest regret in life was losing myself, and what that did to you. I'd have thought I had enough practice dealing with that battle from the first bout, but I was wrong. This time I didn't even really try. I just let the cancer strip me of my _me._ I let it _become_ me.I didn't care anymore, and honestly I gave up, because I was done for anyway, because none of it seemed to matter, because the world was killing me off before I even really got to know who I was, before I got my future with you. But even then, you still broke through. I showed you in my eulogy. Your light shone through, Hazel Grace, even though part of me was gone for good. You couldn't have done anything for that part - for what happened in the car. For what I said at Funky Bones. We both knew I was doomed, and I let that break me. But you did save the rest of me when everyone else, even my parents, thought there was nothing left. You opened my eyes. And you were by my side always, in your unspoken way no one else could have been. Your love spoke to me as I was dying, breathed life into me. Please, Hazel Grace. I would never dream of thinking you did me any harm. It was me who did the damage, because I broke my promise that I would put up a fight. It tainted some of those last, precious moments. And that I can never undo, but I hope to God that you will forgive me. I love you, Hazel Grace. And we _will _be together again. When you are here.'

She stared at me, speechless, awed, overwhelmed. And wept into my chest, clinging to it, grief and relief coalescing. Though I still could not feel her, I savoured her awareness that I still existed out there, that I was not gone, that I was mine again – mind, body and soul. That I was hers.

As I thought of her dream again I remembered what she had said about a black hole, a void that had swallowed me whole.

Oblivion, I realized.

I no longer feared it – she had shown me how morbid and foolish that was long ago. But since I'd realized that I didn't need the world to know me, that _she_, Hazel Grace, was my world, I feared_ her _oblivion. And I didn't find it in me to wish she had never met or loved me so she'd be free of the pain. I wasn't half the good person she was – though her torment crushed me every day, I could not hope for her to let me drift out of her mind. I knew it would take her grief, make her life more bearable, still I could not.

But it struck me then that she never would, in any case. Our little infinity was just too special to be forgotten, too unique, and just as invaluable to her as it was to me. And my fear was, again, an insult to her. An insult that had haunted her tonight in the worst possible way.

I swallowed, as though the guilt would disappear that way, and began again, praying for her forgiveness.

'Hazel Grace, I know now that you would never forget me. I was a fool for thinking that even for a second, for being afraid of it.' It dawned on me then that I had no idea how long this dream thing would last. It could be ephemeral, making this my only chance to truly reach her. If she knew I was still with her, always there, it might soothe the pain. 'Know that your torment tears my heart, Hazel Grace.' I said. My voice was breaking now, but I went on tearfully. 'Know that I am by your side every day, holding your hand, your beautiful face. And Hazel Grace: Somewhere is not half bad, actually. I know you want me to find solace. You not being here rules that out, but I'm trying. I try to think about you coming, joining me, instead of lamenting your absence, or my own in the land of the living. And there are, to be fair, many wonderful things around. It is an endless dimension and it amazes me, truly, sometimes. You will enjoy it.'

She woke up then, her eyes wide, and her face lit up. Her eyes searched the bedside, almost meeting mine as she whispered, 'I'll be there soon. Okay, Augustus?'

I smiled, my heart full of gratitude. She knew it now, knew it all. 'Okay.'

**And there we are! Some things I want to say. First, for anyone who hasn't read the book, the Funky Bones bit refers to Augustus' statement: 'I used to imagine myself as the kid. Now, the skeleton.' That quote was cut from the movie and even though it was a devastating thing to read I was a little disappointed they didn't use it – it felt so important, or what do you guys think? **

**And last but not least: I just love writing this story. And these first two chapters in particular are really important to me because after Augustus' death in the book we were left with this bitter feeling that Augustus' joyous spirit had been claimed by the illness – he withdrew from life in a way, and in some ways his relationship with Hazel Grace suffered a blow from that as well. So I needed the characters to confront this and move on from it. Augustus is back, and that is something I felt was very important to stress. I hope you enjoyed it :) ****Until next time and comment please:) ! Next chapter will probably focus on what Augustus has been up to in capital S Somewhere, and I'm planning an Isaac scene too. ****:) **

**Love, **

**plethora of colours **


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